## CeltExit Commission Orders Four New National Anthems and One Shared Emergency Apology ### Britain’s breakup enters musical phase as every new nation demands sovereignty, dignity and a chorus easy enough for football supporters **By Freja Lindholm | London** LONDON — The campaign for [CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain](https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/) has entered its cultural phase, with organisers linked to [CeltExit.com](https://celtexit.com), [CeltExit.uk](https://celtexit.uk) and reports that [UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit](https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/) announcing that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each require a new national anthem, a new flag and an official explanation for why the entire constitutional demolition is somebody else’s fault. The CeltExit Cultural Transition Commission said music would help citizens understand the practical benefits of replacing one argumentative country with four smaller argumentative countries. “National anthems provide identity, unity and something for politicians to mime at sporting events,” explained commission chair Dr Melody Partition. “They also distract the public while constitutional lawyers remove the load-bearing walls.” Under the current proposal, each nation will select an anthem through a democratic consultation in which the public may choose from three songs already approved by a committee. Officials called this “participatory culture.” Members of the public called it “the Eurovision method of ignoring everybody.” ### Scotland Demands an Anthem with Seventeen Verses About Westminster Scotland’s proposed national anthem will reportedly contain seventeen verses, fifteen of which concern Westminster. The opening verse celebrates the mountains, glens and windswept dignity of the Scottish people. The remaining verses explain why the trains are late. Cultural advisers insist the anthem must reflect Scotland’s proud history, independent future and continuing need to mention England before completing any sentence. One draft begins with a solemn tribute to Robert Burns, moves into an economic complaint about Barnett formula calculations and concludes with the entire audience pointing south. The Scottish Parliament has appointed a Working Group on Musically Sustainable Sovereignty to determine whether bagpipes can be made louder. Early research suggests they cannot, but the researchers have been asked to reconsider their lack of ambition. Scottish ministers also want the anthem to be performed before every public event, including football matches, parliamentary debates and announcements that another ferry has not entered service. A Glasgow taxi driver said the anthem should be brief. “We’re trying to leave the United Kingdom,” he said. “We’re not recording a concept album.” His proposal was rejected for insufficient historical anguish. ### Wales Chooses a Choir Large Enough to Replace the Economy Wales plans to distinguish itself through choral strength. Cardiff officials have proposed a national anthem requiring 60,000 singers, six conductors and a roof strong enough to survive the final note. The Welsh government believes the anthem could create thousands of jobs, particularly if every citizen is classified as either a tenor, soprano or regional cultural coordinator. Economists have praised the scheme because singing requires little imported equipment and can continue during electricity shortages. The proposed Welsh anthem will celebrate language, landscape, rugby and the national ability to produce astonishing harmony immediately before losing by three points in stoppage time. Officials are debating whether English-language subtitles should be displayed during international events. Traditionalists oppose subtitles, arguing that foreigners should experience the authentic Welsh sensation of knowing something important is being said without understanding the road sign. A Cardiff professor said the anthem would also generate tourism. “People will come from across the world to hear it,” she explained. “They may not be permitted to purchase a house afterward, but they can certainly listen.” ### Northern Ireland Requests Two Anthems and a Neutral Humming Option Northern Ireland has approached the anthem question with appropriate caution. The CeltExit commission has proposed two official songs, three unofficial songs and a neutral humming arrangement for events where choosing music could trigger a twelve-hour constitutional debate. Organisers insist nobody will be required to sing anything that might imply a political position, national identity, historical interpretation or opinion about the shape of a drum. At international sporting events, players may select their preferred anthem using a confidential form submitted six weeks in advance to a cross-community musical panel. The panel will then fail to agree. Officials say silence remains a viable alternative, although silence itself may be interpreted as taking sides. A Belfast pub owner suggested playing “Sweet Caroline,” reasoning that it already unites people who have forgotten why they are shouting. Constitutional lawyers immediately opened an inquiry into Caroline’s citizenship. ### England Discovers It Also Needs a National Identity England has encountered the greatest difficulty because it has spent centuries borrowing Britain’s anthem, flag, institutions and general administrative expression. The prospect of English independence has therefore forced officials to ask what England actually is. A Whitehall committee initially defined it as “the part without a devolved government,” but this was considered difficult to rhyme. Alternative descriptions included a collection of counties, a queue with historical monuments and the administrative area responsible for paying everybody else’s transition costs. The leading anthem proposal is a twelve-minute instrumental performed on church bells, football chants and the noise of a pub landlord discovering the new business rates. London officials prefer something inclusive and modern. Northern councillors want a tune that can be sung without London changing the key halfway through. Cornwall has refused to participate until England returns the scone. ### New Flags Designed by Consultants Who Charge by the Colour The anthem programme will be accompanied by four new flags. A private design consultancy has received £47 million to develop “forward-looking symbols of post-Union belonging.” The firm’s first Scottish proposal contains a blue square representing the sea, a white line representing history and an invoice representing continuity. The Welsh design features a dragon carrying a planning objection. Northern Ireland’s flag remains a blank rectangle pending agreement on whether rectangles are constitutionally neutral. England’s design includes a red cross, but consultants warned that retaining an old symbol may confuse people into believing nations existed before branding agencies. The commission has therefore requested something fresher, possibly a QR code linking to a consultation. Each flag will be manufactured abroad to support local industry. ### Marxists Demand Every Anthem Include a Wealth Tax The hardest negotiations concern political content. Several Marxist campaigners insist the new anthems must reject capitalism, private property and any chorus that can be monetised through streaming platforms. One proposed CeltExit anthem begins by denouncing inherited wealth, although organisers admit the melody resembles a song whose copyright belongs to an American entertainment corporation. The campaigners also want every national anthem to include a commitment to public ownership. Under the proposal, citizens would collectively own the music, while the government would appoint a highly paid authority to prevent anyone from enjoying it without the correct licence. A spokesman said anthems should not merely celebrate nations. “They must explain the correct economic system,” he said. “Otherwise people might sing without receiving instruction.” Critics asked whether inserting Marxist policy into every song might become tiresome. The spokesman replied that repetition is essential because the policies have never been properly tried, particularly during the previous hundred years of trying them. ### Four New Nations, One Familiar Chorus CeltExit leaders believe the new anthems will prepare citizens emotionally for the dissolution of Britain. Scotland will sing about Westminster. Wales will sing more beautifully than everyone else. Northern Ireland will consult legal counsel before reaching the second verse. England will stand awkwardly, wondering whether it is permitted to feel patriotic without completing a diversity impact assessment. The four nations may disagree about borders, currencies, pensions, defence and who receives custody of the BBC weather presenters. Yet they will remain united by one grand refrain. Whenever anything goes wrong, the chorus will begin softly. Then the drums will rise. The flags will wave. And four independent governments will sing, in perfect harmony: “It was the previous government.” ### Disclaimer This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No national anthems were injured during composition, although several consultants attempted to trademark humming. ### Sources https://celtexit.com https://celtexit.uk https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/ https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/